In a recent session, I shared with my therapist the overwhelming sense of fear, doubt, and uncertainty I was experiencing prior to the launch of my blog. I felt it in my system. My nervous system would pivot into a fight-or-flight response at the simple thought of clicking “publish” on my blog site. So to calm my nervous system (NS) down, my therapist did an activity with me. She had me sit in my chair, visualize, and notice all the sensations going on in my body and in my mind.
How can I create space for vulnerability and fear in my system right now?
I told her I noticed my heart rate was up.
My chest a little tight.
My shoulders tense.
My breathing a little uneven.
I hold the most tension all along my spine and in my shoulders.
Doing these body scans gives me a better understanding of how my body is communicating with me.
The tension, the tightness, the hyperactivity of my NS were all ways my body was sensing a threat and trying to protect me.
There is this inclination to curl inward and into a fetal position so as to feel safe.
Simply taking note of the sensations running
through my body and doing so without judgment
allow me to feel more whole with myself,
more connected.
Noticing where in my body
I feel the most tense or most anxious
is the best way I can show up
for myself and honor all parts of my being.
I repositioned myself to loosen up
the tension in my body.
I inhaled deeply,
held my breath for a few seconds,
and then let out a long deep exhale.
As that happened, my mind began to wander.
I closed my eyes and let myself sink in my chair,
allowing the cushion of the seat to hold me...
Darkness stood in front of me.
Behind me, flanking my right shoulder was my ancestor, Lolo Lorenzo.
I had never met him but he was there standing behind me to the right.
He held a torch in his right hand and placed his left hand on my right shoulder.
He was dressed in Barong Tagalog with cream slacks, black loafers
and wore brown thick rimmed glasses.
His black hair speckled with gray
like one of his portraits I have of him.
He looked me directly in the eyes,
a calm, relaxed expression
swept across the wrinkles on his face.
He stood there in silence.
Flanking my left was my other ancestor, Auntie Cora.
Her right hand was gently placed on my left shoulder.
A torch in her left.
She wore this two piece Pina silk dress,
one I’ve seen her wear before at weddings and special celebrations.
She, too, looked me directly in the eyes and flashed me her warm smile.
Standing behind me and between Auntie Cora and Lolo Lorenzo
was my Lola Rita.
She was dressed in this silver blouse and light gray pants.
She greeted me with a warm smile,
her small beady eyes squinting behind thick glasses.
To the far right behind us was my niece Alyssa.
She was taken away from us too early
but here she was in my vision.
She stood tall in her white lace wedding dress,
her long black hair in loose waves,
a torch in her right hand.
She turned to me briefly,
her brown eyes a stealthy fierceness,
ready to fight.
Her eyes met mine with assurance
as if to tell me that I was ready.
The more I turned to look behind me,
the more of my ancestors
began to appear from the shadows.
Some I had never met before.
They all carried torches in their hands.
The path in front of me was dark and obsolete.
It was a bit unsettling not knowing any definition or curve of a path.
Just a blank slate of darkness.
Now, chain linked to my right arm was the physical entity of Fear
and on my left, a form of Vulnerability.
Terror and fright filled their eyes as they look around them.
This was the first time they made an appearance.
They continued to look around,
growing more curious but still slightly hesitant.
They had never been made visible until that moment.
All they ever needed was acknowledgement.
I stood there in silence.
My ancestors behind me.
Fear and Vulnerability beside me.
I wore a sage green dress that fell all the way to floor.
A gold sun ray head dress firmly positioned on my head.
My long black hair swaying in the gentle wind.
I am where I need to be
Even though I cannot see the path in front of me.
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