This has been a passion project of mine for eight years now but it is only now that I am ready to share it publicly and openly. For years, I kept telling myself I would publish this blog. I've had conversations with several family and friends about it but I've never brought myself to actually implementing it. Until now.
Why now?
A few things. I'd always wanted to put this out in October. With Halloween and the start of the fall season, I have a deep fascination (maybe obsession) for the thrills, horrors, spooks, and scares that befall this eerie month. There is just something about feeling scared and terrified that makes you feel alive. Besides being my favorite holiday, putting this blog out during Halloween season has symbolic meaning. I am sharing innermost vulnerable parts of me openly for the first time. That sht scares me. A lot of my presence on social media is curated and filtered and conscious of how others will receive it. In the past, I have been discouraged to share certain points of view because it didn't seem necessary or perhaps it was too different. Because of that, I felt like I wasn't expressing my authentic voice. That coincides with the idea of family reputation and collectivist culture that characterizes my heritage as a Filipina-American. October is Filipino-American History Month (FAHM) and is another reason why I want to put out my blog this month. As Filipinos and as Asians, we aren't typically encouraged to share our individual opinion, especially ones that are hot takes, because it would reflect back on our family's reputation. There is this idea of hiya, or shame, that you may bring to your family should you "step out of line" and bring unnecessary attention to yourself. Navigating that in-between has been the crux of my identity.
Wanting to honor and respect my family but also honoring my true self-expression has been and still is a process. A process I want to share more now in hopes that it resonates with others and furthers this dialogue.
I recently learned something in therapy that was clarifying and very connecting for me. Usually when I share a post on Instagram, I have spent considerable time editing the photos, the captions, the hashtags, etc. Admittedly, I spend a lot of time thinking about its reception. Sometimes, some posts never make it on the gram because I felt it would be too extra or too radical or too this or too that. I always found an excuse. Then my therapist told me I had been moving in fear. The way I put myself on social media was out of a fear-based movement. There was always this need to "feel perfect" and "appropriate" so as to perform for the likes and favor of others. That concept blows my mind because it's accurate. Because of this, I tend to doubt myself a lot which is something I continue to work on.
So, now I'm here, learning to unlearn these fearful moves and just put out what feels the most me. Eccentric. Weird af. Maybe radical. Maybe passioned. But just all me.
I'm still scared that I'm putting this blog and making this move. I do think and worry about how others will perceive me and my words. These are things so personal and sacred to me. It's a scary feeling being so openly vulnerable but as I listen to these doubtful, anxious, fearful voices, I am also met with a voice of empowerment and encouragement. I am learning to reassure myself that my voice matters and that I can take up space to share. So here I am, doing that now and I hope you can follow along.
As of now, the best way I can explain this passion project is a lifestyle blog but to be honest, with the amount of variable content I want to share, I don't know how to define it. So maybe we can leave it at that for now, undefinable, fluid, ever-changing.
So here's to a new chapter in my life: the beginning of Hustle and Heal Society
With love,
Hustler and Healer Idda
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